“The things we fear the most, have already happened to us.” – Robin Williams as Sy in One Hour Photo
On December 27, 2017, I did a short three minute set at a comedy show in a bar called Tierney’s in Montclair, New Jersey. I hadn’t told jokes in front of a live audience since the sixth grade talent show I had done in 2002 at Elm Place Middle School outside of Chicago before my balls had even dropped. I was very on edge and when I got up there my mind all but blanked on my jokes and because of that I struggled to get through my set, and afterwards deemed it worthy of being labeled an absolute bomb.
I had quit drinking about four months prior to that event, but I hadn’t entirely quit smoking weed or quit taking the occasional benzo. Nor had I regained any of the confidence that I had gradually lost in the previous several years. So before my set I thought it would be a good idea to smoke, and the woman I was seeing at the time gave me two klonopins. I was so wound up that the pins didn’t achieve their desired effects, and the weed only created a larger smoke cloud of self-doubt within me. I’m rather ashamed to admit this, but I let that experience shake my confidence even more. My confidence had gone from the lobby to the basement floor just like that.
You see I’m the kind of asshole who knows that Rome wasn’t built in a day, but also wants it to be built in a day so I really beat myself up over that. I questioned whether or not I was actually a funny person and whether or not I could actually be a performer without the liquid, pharmaceutical, and herbal courage that I had been using to do shit like this for what felt like forever. I mean just two years prior my best friend, Snake, had come up to me and basically put the following order in:
“Here’s what I want from you for the next Art & Prozak show. I want you to write a short play, like five minutes, about a super annoying, super nagging girlfriend.”
“Ok, I can do that.” I told him.
“And I want you to play the girl.”
“Ok, I can do that too.”
He was trying to inspire me to be self-motivated, and it worked. But another thing I had going for me with that performance was a slight bitterness because on the night of the show, nobody from my family showed up, and all but two of my friends (one being Snake who was playing my boyfriend in the play) left before we even went up. And I still vividly remember being dressed and made up with a blonde wig, women’s tights, and lipstick on, and bouncing around in my “dressing room” which was basically a large storage closet in the venue, Basemeant Wrx, like Brock Lesnar does at the top of the ramp on his way to the ring in WWE. I was also getting into character by drinking pinot grigio, as that was my character, Kayla’s, drink of choice in the script. Dare I say it, I was fueled by white wine and bitterness and I knocked them dead that night.
That photo’s horrifying, ain’t it? But I digress. On to this past Wednesday, September 11, 2019…
It took me nearly 21 months, but I finally decided that the only thing worse than bombing on stage, was bombing on stage and letting it defeat me. Letting it discourage me from growing and from creating more work. So I talked to my friend, Joey Palestina, about getting back up on stage at the next Comedy & Prozak show at Clerestory Fine Art in Montclair. And I have to give him a gigantic thank you for giving me another shot after seeing my set in 2017.
Sidebar: Joey and Snake (the artist formally known as Steve Kelly), began Art & Prozak some four or five years ago. It’s become a platform for local artists to get our shit out there and it’s become a community unlike any other as it doesn’t matter which art form(s) you’re producing for your work, it just matters that you’re dedicated to creating art. With a loose definition of artist attached to my name, I myself am considered one of the earlier Art & Prozak soldiers, but more so I’m just very proud of what those two have been able to accomplish to date with Art & Prozak.
In the days leading up to the show I was a ball of nervous energy. I just wanted to get up there and get it over with. I kept telling myself that my set would either be hilarious, or I’d hear crickets and everyone in the crowd would bow their heads into their laps and think to themselves “welp, now I know all of that about you.” Yet somehow on the day of the show after rehearsing my set in front of Snake, and numerous times in front of the mirror, some of that nervousness faded away.
Now I have my own very unpopular opinions about 9/11 and I won’t get into them in this forum, but one thing that I think was unanimously agreed upon at the show by comedians and audience members alike, was that days like September 11th were meant for comedy. And obviously, I mean that in the sense of trying to take your mind off of what was such a horrific day in American history and creating laughter.
I was the second performer out of eight to go up there. My entire set was about the self-doubt and uncomfortability of getting too baked that led to me quitting my constant weed smoking after being high 24/7 from 2007-2017. There was a lot of self-deprecating humor mixed in about being fat, being an alcoholic, absolutely bombing at my first, last, and only open mic to date, and giving up drinking and thus staying in on most nights.
It wasn’t the best set in the world, and it’s not like I’m going to be selling out Madison Square Garden anytime soon, but for a three or four minute set I packed in a lot of laughs, and I was able to leave Clerestory Fine Art with my head held high and a lot more confidence in my comedic abilities than after the show in December of 2017. The show’s headliner, Maggie Lalley, was very encouraging as she seemed rather shocked when I told her this was only my second time (and first in almost two years) doing stand-up. She told me to keep doing what I’m doing. And Michael Murphy (Bayonne’s Comedian of the Year circa 2015) gave me some great notes by way of constructive criticism in telling me that my set was very funny and relatable, but that I needed to slow it down and milk it more instead of worrying about my next laugh.
I’ve always said that the three best qualities in a human being are a sense of humor, honesty, and resilience. And I think I probably feel this way because I would attribute those three qualities to being my best three qualities. Yes, I’m a bit of a jerk off and want to surround myself with like-minded people. And I know that it took me nearly two years to sort of forgive myself for my first open mic experience, but I did get back up there. I’ve seemingly made it a habit in my life to take on things that are much bigger than me, much bigger than any human being at that. Things like alcoholism, drug-abuse, depression, anxiety, and self-doubt. Now I can’t say that I’ve always won these battles, but the fact that I’m still kicking it, and walking around with the stupidly goofy ass bounce in my step, tells me that I’ve always survived and kept it moving. It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to be down for a while. Shit, sometimes it’s even okay to not be okay! But sooner or later you’ve gotta fight to get back on your feet and not let the outside world beat you down forever. And for me, I do that by finding the humor in shitty situations even if it takes time, as it usually does, to see things that way while repairing whatever damages have accrued.
It was perfect timing on hearing this, but Gabriel Iglesias was on Straight Up Steve Austin last week. A show hosted by one of my heroes, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, in which he brings guests on to do interviews while engaging in fun activities like driving tanks and ATVs, shooting guns, and throwing axes. Two days before the show I watched Gabriel say “anything that you’re passionate about is going to hurt a lot at times, especially in the beginning.” I definitely needed to hear that.
I listen to a lot of podcasts and it seems like it was never easy to get to where they wanted to get in terms of interesting people I’ve heard speak. The harder the climb, and the longer the journey, it seems the more appreciative and humble people are when they finally reach their desired destination. But you can’t stop there…
Sidebar: the absence of fear is what we call being fearless. But being brave means to forge ahead despite the very real presence of fear.
For anyone who gives two shits, here are the next 15 songs on my “Bipolar Time Machine” playlist on Spotify:
- “Starboy” – The Weeknd
- “Comedown” – Bush
- “In the Waiting Line” – Zero 7
- “I Melt With You” – Modern English
- “A$AP Forever” – A$AP Rocky
- “Rio” – Duran Duran
- “I’m Wit Whateva” – Biggie feat. Lil’ Wayne, Juelz Santana, and Jim Jones
- “Cowboys From Hell” – Pantera
- “Detroit Rock City” – KISS
- “Voodoo” – Black Sabbath
- “Need You Tonight” – INXS
- “Blow” – Rick Ross
- “A Million and 1 Buddah Spots” – Redman
- “She Hates Me” – Puddle of Mudd
- “Lucky Penny” – JD McPherson
MattyMouthsOff 